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Lord Snark Recap GOT Ep 5.5: Kill the Boy

May 30, 2015

The Wall
Maester Aemon fires up his raven mail app and has the latest click-bait news article read to him. “Daenerys Targaryen refuses to leave until the freedom of the former slaves is secure. YOU WON’T BELIEVE what she does next!”

Mereen
Denarys opens up a new restaurant for her dragons. The most popular item, Heads of Prominent Families burgers. Only served one way. Well done.

Later, she decides to marry one of them when he falls to his knees and begs for his life. “Shhhh,” she says, “you had me at ‘I don’t want to die’.”

Grey Worm then confesses his love to Missandei by basically saying the same thing, except in Valyrian… this show might be getting a little lazy.

Winterfell Inn
Brienne scribbles down some lyrics to what will become an REO Speedwagon song — “you’re a candle in the window, on a cold and dark winter’s night.” When she’s struck with an idea! Send a candle to Sansa and tell her to light it whenever she’s in trouble. Hopefully, Sansa will have no problems during the day… or when Brienne is peeing… or sleeping… or scolding Pod. I can’t fight this feeling that it’s a really stupid plan.

Winterfell Castle

I have nipples Sansa. Can you milk me? Um. that wasn’t a question.

Sansa has the most awkward dinner since Meet the Parents.

Later though, we get such a nice father-son bonding moment between Roose and Ramsay Bolton that I forgot I was watching Thrones. It’s these quiet scenes that remind me of the good—  you hanged WHO’s husband then did WHAT under the same tree? Thank the gods GRR Martin did not write the tv show How I Met Your Mother.

Back at the Wall
Gilly keeps interrupting Sam while he’s getting his study on, like a dude trying to watch Game of Thrones and getting asked ‘who’s that guy?’ and ‘why did he kill him?’ and ‘do you think she’s hot?’, but I might be personalizing this recap a bit.

The producers of the show decide that Stannis finally had enough conversations with all the major characters there and it’s time to head south to beat winter. Is that a snowflake?

Works on fungus & greyscale!

Row Row Row Your Boat
And finally, we’re with Jorah and Tyrion, sailing through Middle Earth. When they run into some Stone Men and narrowly escape. Though I’m betting Jorah now wishes he hadn’t made fun of those Jublia commercials during the Super Bowl.

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Until next time…

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