My apologies… a man has been busy.

On to the recap –

We open on the House of Black & White… also known as the House of Perpetually Dirty Floors. Arya rebels against her sweeping duties and demands they get a Roomba.

Later, she begins her Faceless Man training by Mr. Miyagi. But instead of classic cars, she learns how to clean and wax dead men.

p.s. Braavos traveling tip. When visiting the House of Black & White, don’t drink the water…

Meanwhile, on the Housewives & Handmaidens of King’s Landing…
The newly minted Queen Margery holds court with her besties and giggles about taking multiple trips to bonetown with Tommen… who asked “what’s the record?” It is, of course, five times, set by Ross Geller and Rachel Green. Nice try kid.

At the rebuilt Winterfell…
The psycho Ramsay Bolton proves himself a true Democrat by slaughtering a high lord job creator who didn’t pay his taxes (this recap line sponsored by Fox News.)

His pops tells him of a plan to secure the North. Ramsay’s marriage. To –

Sansa Stark!

RECORD SCRATCH

Poor Sansa. Out of the fire and into the flaying pan.

On the road…
It’s Career Day for Pod, who meets with his guidance counselor Brienne. He takes a Myers Briggs test and gets INTP – In kNight Training Pod is. Yoda administered the test.

Brienne then shares a bullying story about being ugly, giving me all the feels. I’m forced to pause the DVR and watch Christina Aguilera’s ‘Beautiful’ vid a hundred times.

At the Wall…
Stannis IS STILL THERE. Ugh. Attack Winterfell already, I’m totes bored with this storyline.

Hey, Janos Slynt, why don’t you get some courage and stand up to the new boss. Oops. Goodbye. Forever.

Back in King’s Landing…
The High Septon is caught playing ring around the pussy and loses his job to the uber pious Jonathan Pryce, the ‘High Sparrow’. Don’t see anything going wrong with this, nope, nothing, Mr. Pryce always plays a good guy…

And finally, in Volantis…
Tyrion stops by a brothel and does a terrible job of staying incognito. “I used to be one of the richest men in Westeros… I always pay my debts… also, I’m a dwarf, but totally not a Lannister.”

That’d be like James Bond going “Are you into BONDage? You should see my Double Oh face. I like my wiener shaken, not stirred.”

Tyrion is taken hostage and I go through the same range of emotions as Homer Simpson when he was offered free frogurt…
Tyrion’s  kidnapped. That’s bad! But it’s by Ser Jorah. That’s good! But he’s taking her to the Queen. That’s bad! Queen Daenerys. That’s good! They’re getting on a boat again…

Until next time…