AKA, ‘The One with Arya, Finally’
We start in Braavos…
So the big statue that Arya passes under… Do you think the sculptors made him all Ken Doll underneath that skirt, or is he sporting a dangling pair of giant Gold Dragon coins?
Arya is taken on a Starline Tours ride around the city, catching all the attractions — the woman in the hat, the guy handling fish, a drain — finally reaching her destination, the House of Black & White. Which, I was disappointed to learn, is not where Michael Jackson lived.
Instead she meets black Yoda and is forced to play a round of Lets Make a Deal. She tries to trade her coin for admittance and gets the boot instead. Then, like every rom-com ever made, spends the night in the rain, brooding to a Dido song and reciting her death list.
I’d love to add one name to that. The guy who does those anti-snoring ads for Zyppah.Com on EW Radio. Seriously, a man cannot listen one more time!!!
BTW, anyone think it a little racist the black guy came out of the black door? Who knew Braavos still had segregation?
Later, Arya falls back into old habits, killing pigeons and threatening bullies, until, for reasons, the Faceless Man reveals himself and lets her in.
To the Riverlands…
…where Pod & Brienne parked their horse in the crowded lot of a tavern. I thought we’d spend the rest of the episode with them, waiting to eat Chinese food but then leaving right before they get called, only to discover they can’t remember where they par– and yep, I’ve been watching too much TBS recently.
Anyway… Littlefinger, Sansa, awkward dinner, horse chase, Pod falls, gruesome stabby death and yada yada yada, they’re right back where they started, still looking for Sansa. Hey, maybe that was a Seinfeld episode after all.
King’s Knot’s Landing–
Dorne sends Cersei Lannister an Amazon ‘frustration free package’, which true to its claim, can be opened by someone with just one hand.
Then Cersei gets all loud and in Jaime’s grill. And he’s like, ‘get off my back man’ and she goes ‘that whore’ and he’s all ‘fine, I’ll go to Dorne, get our secret incest daughter back, will that make you happy?’ But I’m guessing by her judgey-face, it won’t.
So Jaime finds the former sellsword Bronn and pulls a Schwarzenegger ‘come with me if you want a much better girl and a much better castle.’ Admittedly, it’s not as catchy, but gets the job done. They’re off to —
Where, apparently, EVERYONE broods and scowls. Like — women who’ve watched lovers get their skulls caved in, or wheelchair bound Princes constantly nagged about starting a revenge war and a guard who looks like the dude from Stargate SG1.
Come to think of it, those are pretty good reasons.
Oops. Accidentally switched over to Fox and caught a few minutes of COPS: Mereen…
Bad Boys Daario and Grey Worm take down a door and a perp. I expected him to be drunk and shirtless.
Back to HBO and the Road to Volantis…
With Tyrion and Varys shipping themselves via Westeros Expressos. When you absolutely, positively have to be there by episode three.
And we’re treated to a heaping dose of one-liners:
‘There’s a bug in my cup… yes, be careful, you might mistakenly consume some solid food’ SITCOM ZING!
‘She should have offered her cunt for my head… the best part of her for the best part of me’ CABLE LANGUAGE ZING!!
‘Are we going to spend the entire road talking about the futility of everything… You’re right, no point.’ DOWNTON ABBEY ZING!
Back to King’s Landing…
Where a notice is posted — The Wizard of Oz Musical Tour has been indefinitely cancelled, due to poor pre-sales and oh yeah, freakin’ dwarf beheadings…
At the Small Council, a bunch of old white men try to tell a woman what she can’t do. Also known as a Republican debate. ELECTION ZING!
Castle Black meanwhile is voting…
For a new Lord Commander.
Elections there are a bit different. First, your proxies engage in a Yo Momma battle. Sam’s got his ‘Nobody Snows Winter Like A Man Named Snow’ campaign button on, and proceeds to put the smack-down on the coward Janos Slynt.
Then everyone antes up some kind of poker chip as their actual vote. Which makes polling there very easy. ‘How are you voting? Triangle, Square or Circle?’ ‘You know, Triangle really gets me.’
Jon Snow wins by just one vote when Maestor Aemon casts his tile, though I’m not sure the blind man was sure what he was doing, because he yelled MAHJONG right after.
And that’s it folks. Yes, other stuff happened but this has already gone on too long.
One final thought however:
Is it just me, or did GRRM really give up on naming his characters?
There’s Prince Doran from Dorne. Drogon the dragon. And Kevin Lannister — Kevin.
We’ll know for sure if Tosh 2.0 shows up in his next book.
Until next week…