We kick off Season 5 with a flashback!!
Running through the Into the Woods set is Regina George — oh, I Mean a young Girl we come to learn is Cercei — who visits one of the Witches of East Watch. And she hears the awful truth… in Hollywood, there ‘comes another, younger, more beautiful to cast you down.’ Plus, she and a future hubby will have 20 children, but only 3 will be hers. Which means she’ll marry Antonio Cromartie.

King’s Landing
Lord Tywin is laid out for viewing in his best Elton John cape and those googly-eyed rocks on his face, making him look like a surprised cartoon character. I bet the actor Charles Dance had flashbacks to his role in Last Action Hero.

Meanwhile, Tyrion has checked into Pentos
and updated his Facebook status to bearded and shit-faced. Speaking of which, he over-shares the personal deets of his trip across The Narrow Sea. Let me describe it to the tune of ‘Dick in a Box’.

One, cut some holes in a box.

Two, put The Imp in the box.

Three, he shoves his shit out the box.

And that’s the way you do it…

When you ship in a box!

Later, Varys discusses his new mission. Finding a ‘monarch who could intimidate the high lords and inspire the people. A ruler loved by millions with…the right family name.’ I think we all know who he’s talking about… Beyoncé.

Mereen
5 stars on Trip Advisor for its Alley of Teats. -10 stars for the masked murdering reject from The Strangers.

In that combat training scene at The Wall,
Jon Snow yelled ‘shield up’ so many times I thought we were on the deck of the Enterprise.

Admit it, when Melisandre and Jon Snow rode in the The Wall’s Lift, you heard Love In An Elevator, am I right?

In The Vale…
The schemer Littlefinger was all schemey and stuff reading notes passed to him while in Robin Arryn’s sword fighting class. The note: Do you like Sansa? Yes? or Extra Creepy Yes? 

BTW, watching breastfeeder Robin fail at sword play proves all his mom’s Got Milk ads completely wrong. 

Oh, hello Brienne and Pod. Wave to Sansa Sta–

Back to King’s Landing…
Holy Haircut Lancel Lannister!

And now here’s some naked dudes. In bed. Sorry ladies, dongs strategically hidden. I’m betting Mike Meyers directed that scene.

Meanwhile, Daario uses his post-boning-cuddle time to speak hard truth to Daenerys. Quoting the great sage Rupaul ‘A dragon queen with no dragons, is no queen.’ We’re spared his advice on ‘tucking’.

And finally, phew, we catch up with Mance Rayder, who is offered Cake or Death and chooses Death. The humorless Stannis doesn’t get Eddie Izzard, so he goes full Beavis on him. Fire! Fire! Fire!

It’s just not Game of Thrones without a horrible, horrible death of a favorite character.

Until next week…