Lord Snark recap — GOT Ep 4.10 “The Children”

The privy hits the fan this episode…


So, we learn that Mance doesn’t want to raid the Seven Kingdoms, just house his people on the other side of TheWall because winter and zombies. With just fifty Night’s Watch left, looks like he’s going to get his wish… riders, what now?

You know how that one time you gave your son money for school clothes, but he spent it all playing video games instead? (okay, that was totally me and it was the 80’s, when there was a thing called an arcade and we didn’t have Atari) — I’m guessing that’s how the Iron Bank feels about Stannis spending their gold for an army to retake the Iron Throne and heading north with it instead

The Mountain getting put back together Dr. Frankenstein style… nope, don’t see any consequences coming from that

Cersei sings that new Sara Bareilles’ song I Choose You to Jamie and puts their incestuous relationship back on the table… literally

Dany declares the freed Mereen slaves can enter into contracts with their former masters, which prompts Ser Barristan to warn a group will take advantage of this… lawyers

Former slave to Dany “The young may rejoice in the new world you have built for them, but for those of us too old to change there is only fear” — I’m suggesting that be the new slogan for Fox News

Poor Dany is forced to chain up her dragons… guess they don’t have Baby Bjorn carriers across the Narrow Sea

Looks like Sam and Frodo finally made it to Mount Doom… Oh, wait, that’s Bran and Hodor, my bad — The tree is so close.  Just gotta cross this little snowy patch and– Holy Jason and The Argonauts, skeletons

I shoot heroin and fireball!
I shoot fireballs and heroin!

Nice to see Kate Moss getting work as one of The Children

So, the three-eyed raven is one of the dudes from Duck Dynasty?

That was a dirty fight between The Hound and Brienne. She went all Evander Holyfield on him and he kicked her in the balls

Meanwhile, back at the capitol… Jamie hits the Staples That Was Easy Button and frees Tyrion.  Yeah!   Just a few steps from freedom and…  do I have time for one last look around the castle?  I’m feeling nostalgic, so sure, what could go wrong?

—>let’s see, how about my old bedroom… ahh, memories, of power, lost love… oh shit, Shae it isn’t so?

—>speaking of shit… guess I should hit the privy before my long trip…. Oh, hiya papa, happy Father’s Day, I got you these two cross bolts

—>uh, Varys, remember that time before Blackwater, how we talked about taking a vacation together, maybe that place where they worship a god with sixteen teets?  Yeah… you’re coming with me now

Please, internet, I’m begging you, start a Grumpy Cat meme with Varys sitting on that ship

And finally, we get to see Arya use her special coin which scores a free trip to Braavos.  Little Known Fact – if you say “Valar Marguiles”, that sea captain takes you to a taping of The Good Wife


So, dear readers, what questions are left as we await next season?

— Did Arya, Tyrion & Varys enjoy their Carnival Cruises?

— Are The Hound, The Mountain and Tywin really dead?

— Do Jon Snow and Stannis spend the hiatus competing in brooding contests?

— Will the other two members of ZZ Top also be cast as three-eyed ravens?

— Does Ginger Beard (I’m too lazy to look up his name) learn his fate will be death by: hanging, beheading, chucked off the wall or being forced to watch a full season of Big Brother?


Leave your snarky observations from this episode or season in the Comments below!


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