Dropping barrels full of references in this snarkcap…

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After last week’s head-popping ender, nice to see the show start with some quite moments about love…

Like…

— Sam questioning Jon Snow about the finer points of Wildling dating. —–>What if she has a giant in the family? —–>How long do you wait for sex after she’s had an incest baby? —–>Does the wolf pelt match her ginger minge (for the record, I wanted the answer to that one too; also, is ginger minge pie a Ben & Jerry’s flavor yet?)

— Sam getting all Bill Clintony with the Night’s Watch rules on celibacy.   “I did not break my oath, with that woman, Miss Gilly. Technically. As you can’t father babies with the butt. Or mouth. Altoid?”

— Maester Aemon going all How I Met Your Mother with Sam

— Seeing the Wildings south of the wall get some downtime. Just sitting around the fire, warging out, sharpening stuff, sharing stories about bear fooking… wait, what now?

HOOT! HOOT! Stop yer yapping everyone, Mance Rayder is here. And he’s brought those California wildfires with him…

Onto the battle highlights

— Make sure to read Ser Alliser Thorne’s book on leadership “Don’t Get Second Guessed by Every Clever Little Twat with a Mouth”

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—>Janos Slynt, after seeing a giant riding a mammoth…

Survives the battle and goes on to be hired by Westeros’ Fox News channel as their official Climate Change denier (Winter is NOT coming!)

— Didn’t realize the Night’s Watch had four groups: Rangers, Builders, Stewards and Donkey Kong

— Jon Snow really can’t hold on to that sword. Maybe he should put a wrist strap on it or something

— Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, darling, you give love a bad name… and that name is Ygritte

———> side note: Anyone else get Omar from The Wire flashbacks when that little boy killed her?

— Wildling wall climbers… um, how about we don’t climb, like, right where they can shoot arrows at us, or break off sheets of ice, it’s a giant-ass wall… we could, literally, climb anywhere else but right under them… phew, looks like we’re going to make it boys — is that a freakin’ scythe? — ahhhhhhh!

— Apparently, giants learned how to lift those iron gates by watching American Ninja Warrior

— No one in the Night’s Watch can do math. You had 100 men to start the battle. Mance had 100000. You lost at least half by the end. Stop saying 1000 times the men, they didn’t lose 50000 dudes, sheesh — thanks Common Core!

— Sam, it’s a really good idea to let Jon Snow go off on his own — you don’t want to be friends, related or fook him — see Pyp, Grenn, Robb Stark, Ned Stark & Ygritte…