(this post best experienced in Jimmy Fallon voice… as all things are)

Thanks… procrastination, my constant companion, for once again making me scramble to file taxes

Thanks… technology, for making physical calendars obsolete, thus ensuring I’d think the 15th was on Wednesday, until I saw an ad for the Fargo premiere

Thanks… cheap stores — and your even cheaper receipts — that have faded so much I’m studying them like archeologists did with the first clay writing tablets of Uruk in Mesopotamia; at least now I know what to use if I want to send coded messages in the mail

Thanks… NSA, for invading my privacy, but if you’re going to do it, at least you could put together a year-end report of all my activity, would save me a lot of time