So we start out on Some Beach
With Ser Jorah knocking out a random dude, leaving behind coins for a boat rental. And that’s why I never advertise anything on Craigslist.
In another ship
Jamie and Bronn talk about geography and what Dorne is known for – fighting and f*cking. In my home state of Maryland our official sport is jousting and we’re famous for crabs. So, pretty much the same thing.
Also, I’m guessing they are sailing near Egypt, because Jamie is in denial. He pretends Myrcella is his niece and then denies setting Tyrion free. De-nial, De-Nile… see what I did there?
I’ll see myself out.
At King’s Landing
It’s Open Mic Night! Mace Tyrell tries his hand at a joke which falls flat. Or did it kill? Because he’s sent off to the Iron Bank with that King’s Guard who’s known for being all murdery.
Cersei then dispatches Jonathan Pryce to enforce religious justice by arresting Loras Tyrell, trashing the brothels and breaking all of the kegs. But really, did they have to go after that poor Etsy artist too?
King Tommen politely asks those Stargate SG-1 fanboys (you know, the bald guys with those weird forehead tattoos) if he can see the High Sparrow. They tell him to frack off. Instead of cutting them down Joffrey style, he retreats and decides to pout then write a strongly worded letter. The Lannister boys really are the Goldilocks of Westeros, one was Vladimir Putin, the other the UN.
Melisandre’s boobs! Melisandre’s boobs! Melisandre’s boobs!
Then some other stuff happened.
My apologies… a man has been busy.
On to the recap –
We open on the House of Black & White… also known as the House of Perpetually Dirty Floors. Arya rebels against her sweeping duties and demands they get a Roomba.
Later, she begins her Faceless Man training by Mr. Miyagi. But instead of classic cars, she learns how to clean and wax dead men.
p.s. Braavos traveling tip. When visiting the House of Black & White, don’t drink the water…
Meanwhile, on the Housewives & Handmaidens of King’s Landing…
The newly minted Queen Margery holds court with her besties and giggles about taking multiple trips to bonetown with Tommen… who asked “what’s the record?” It is, of course, five times, set by Ross Geller and Rachel Green. Nice try kid.
At the rebuilt Winterfell…
The psycho Ramsay Bolton proves himself a true Democrat by slaughtering a
high lord job creator who didn’t pay his taxes (this recap line sponsored by Fox News.)
His pops tells him of a plan to secure the North. Ramsay’s marriage. To –
Poor Sansa. Out of the fire and into the flaying pan.
On the road…
It’s Career Day for Pod, who meets with his guidance counselor Brienne. He takes a Myers Briggs test and gets INTP – In kNight Training Pod is. Yoda administered the test.
Brienne then shares a bullying story about being ugly, giving me all the feels. I’m forced to pause the DVR and watch Christina Aguilera’s ‘Beautiful’ vid a hundred times.
AKA, ‘The One with Arya, Finally’
We start in Braavos…
So the big statue that Arya passes under… Do you think the sculptors made him all Ken Doll underneath that skirt, or is he sporting a dangling pair of giant Gold Dragon coins?
Arya is taken on a Starline Tours ride around the city, catching all the attractions — the woman in the hat, the guy handling fish, a drain — finally reaching her destination, the House of Black & White. Which, I was disappointed to learn, is not where Michael Jackson lived.
Instead she meets black Yoda and is forced to play a round of Lets Make a Deal. She tries to trade her coin for admittance and gets the boot instead. Then, like every rom-com ever made, spends the night in the rain, brooding to a Dido song and reciting her death list.
I’d love to add one name to that. The guy who does those anti-snoring ads for Zyppah.Com on EW Radio. Seriously, a man cannot listen one more time!!!
BTW, anyone think it a little racist the black guy came out of the black door? Who knew Braavos still had segregation?
Later, Arya falls back into old habits, killing pigeons and threatening bullies, until, for reasons, the Faceless Man reveals himself and lets her in.
To the Riverlands…
…where Pod & Brienne parked their horse in the crowded lot of a tavern. I thought we’d spend the rest of the episode with them, waiting to eat Chinese food but then leaving right before they get called, only to discover they can’t remember where they par– and yep, I’ve been watching too much TBS recently.
Anyway… Littlefinger, Sansa, awkward dinner, horse chase, Pod falls, gruesome stabby death and yada yada yada, they’re right back where they started, still looking for Sansa. Hey, maybe that was a Seinfeld episode after all.
King’s Knot’s Landing–
Dorne sends Cersei Lannister an Amazon ‘frustration free package’, which true to its claim, can be opened by someone with just one hand.
Then Cersei gets all loud and in Jaime’s grill. And he’s like, ‘get off my back man’ and she goes ‘that whore’ and he’s all ‘fine, I’ll go to Dorne, get our secret incest daughter back, will that make you happy?’ But I’m guessing by her judgey-face, it won’t.
So Jaime finds the former sellsword Bronn and pulls a Schwarzenegger ‘come with me if you want a much better girl and a much better castle.’ Admittedly, it’s not as catchy, but gets the job done. They’re off to —
We kick off Season 5 with a flashback!!
Running through the Into the Woods set is Regina George — oh, I Mean a young Girl we come to learn is Cercei — who visits one of the Witches of East Watch. And she hears the awful truth… in Hollywood, there ‘comes another, younger, more beautiful to cast you down.’ Plus, she and a future hubby will have 20 children, but only 3 will be hers. Which means she’ll marry Antonio Cromartie.
Lord Tywin is laid out for viewing in his best Elton John cape and those googly-eyed rocks on his face, making him look like a surprised cartoon character. I bet the actor Charles Dance had flashbacks to his role in Last Action Hero.
Meanwhile, Tyrion has checked into Pentos
and updated his Facebook status to bearded and shit-faced. Speaking of which, he over-shares the personal deets of his trip across The Narrow Sea. Let me describe it to the tune of ‘Dick in a Box’.
One, cut some holes in a box.
Two, put The Imp in the box.
Three, he shoves his shit out the box.
And that’s the way you do it…
When you ship in a box!
Later, Varys discusses his new mission. Finding a ‘monarch who could intimidate the high lords and inspire the people. A ruler loved by millions with…the right family name.’ I think we all know who he’s talking about… Beyoncé.
5 stars on Trip Advisor for its Alley of Teats. -10 stars for the masked murdering reject from The Strangers.
In that combat training scene at The Wall,
Jon Snow yelled ‘shield up’ so many times I thought we were on the deck of the Enterprise.
Admit it, when Melisandre and Jon Snow rode in the The Wall’s Lift, you heard Love In An Elevator, am I right?