Maester Aemon fires up his raven mail app and has the latest click-bait news article read to him. “Daenerys Targaryen refuses to leave until the freedom of the former slaves is secure. YOU WON’T BELIEVE what she does next!”
Denarys opens up a new restaurant for her dragons. The most popular item, Heads of Prominent Families burgers. Only served one way. Well done.
Later, she decides to marry one of them when he falls to his knees and begs for his life. “Shhhh,” she says, “you had me at ‘I don’t want to die’.”
Grey Worm then confesses his love to Missandei by basically saying the same thing, except in Valyrian… this show might be getting a little lazy.
Brienne scribbles down some lyrics to what will become an REO Speedwagon song — “you’re a candle in the window, on a cold and dark winter’s night.” When she’s struck with an idea! Send a candle to Sansa and tell her to light it whenever she’s in trouble. Hopefully, Sansa will have no problems during the day… or when Brienne is peeing… or sleeping… or scolding Pod. I can’t fight this feeling that it’s a really stupid plan.
Sansa has the most awkward dinner since Meet the Parents.
Later though, we get such a nice father-son bonding moment between Roose and Ramsay Bolton that I forgot I was watching Thrones. It’s these quiet scenes that remind me of the good— you hanged WHO’s husband then did WHAT under the same tree? Thank the gods GRR Martin did not write the tv show How I Met Your Mother.
Back at the Wall
Gilly keeps interrupting Sam while he’s getting his study on, like a dude trying to watch Game of Thrones and getting asked ‘who’s that guy?’ and ‘why did he kill him?’ and ‘do you think she’s hot?’, but I might be personalizing this recap a bit.
The producers of the show decide that Stannis finally had enough conversations with all the major characters there and it’s time to head south to beat winter. Is that a snowflake?
Row Row Row Your Boat
And finally, we’re with Jorah and Tyrion, sailing through Middle Earth. When they run into some Stone Men and narrowly escape. Though I’m betting Jorah now wishes he hadn’t made fun of those Jublia commercials during the Super Bowl.
Until next time…
So we start out on Some Beach
With Ser Jorah knocking out a random dude, leaving behind coins for a boat rental. And that’s why I never advertise anything on Craigslist.
In another ship
Jamie and Bronn talk about geography and what Dorne is known for – fighting and f*cking. In my home state of Maryland our official sport is jousting and we’re famous for crabs. So, pretty much the same thing.
Also, I’m guessing they are sailing near Egypt, because Jamie is in denial. He pretends Myrcella is his niece and then denies setting Tyrion free. De-nial, De-Nile… see what I did there?
I’ll see myself out.
At King’s Landing
It’s Open Mic Night! Mace Tyrell tries his hand at a joke which falls flat. Or did it kill? Because he’s sent off to the Iron Bank with that King’s Guard who’s known for being all murdery.
Cersei then dispatches Jonathan Pryce to enforce religious justice by arresting Loras Tyrell, trashing the brothels and breaking all of the kegs. But really, did they have to go after that poor Etsy artist too?
King Tommen politely asks those Stargate SG-1 fanboys (you know, the bald guys with those weird forehead tattoos) if he can see the High Sparrow. They tell him to frack off. Instead of cutting them down Joffrey style, he retreats and decides to pout then write a strongly worded letter. The Lannister boys really are the Goldilocks of Westeros, one was Vladimir Putin, the other the UN.
Melisandre’s boobs! Melisandre’s boobs! Melisandre’s boobs!
Then some other stuff happened.
My apologies… a man has been busy.
On to the recap –
We open on the House of Black & White… also known as the House of Perpetually Dirty Floors. Arya rebels against her sweeping duties and demands they get a Roomba.
Later, she begins her Faceless Man training by Mr. Miyagi. But instead of classic cars, she learns how to clean and wax dead men.
p.s. Braavos traveling tip. When visiting the House of Black & White, don’t drink the water…
Meanwhile, on the Housewives & Handmaidens of King’s Landing…
The newly minted Queen Margery holds court with her besties and giggles about taking multiple trips to bonetown with Tommen… who asked “what’s the record?” It is, of course, five times, set by Ross Geller and Rachel Green. Nice try kid.
At the rebuilt Winterfell…
The psycho Ramsay Bolton proves himself a true Democrat by slaughtering a
high lord job creator who didn’t pay his taxes (this recap line sponsored by Fox News.)
His pops tells him of a plan to secure the North. Ramsay’s marriage. To –
Poor Sansa. Out of the fire and into the flaying pan.
On the road…
It’s Career Day for Pod, who meets with his guidance counselor Brienne. He takes a Myers Briggs test and gets INTP – In kNight Training Pod is. Yoda administered the test.
Brienne then shares a bullying story about being ugly, giving me all the feels. I’m forced to pause the DVR and watch Christina Aguilera’s ‘Beautiful’ vid a hundred times.
AKA, ‘The One with Arya, Finally’
We start in Braavos…
So the big statue that Arya passes under… Do you think the sculptors made him all Ken Doll underneath that skirt, or is he sporting a dangling pair of giant Gold Dragon coins?
Arya is taken on a Starline Tours ride around the city, catching all the attractions — the woman in the hat, the guy handling fish, a drain — finally reaching her destination, the House of Black & White. Which, I was disappointed to learn, is not where Michael Jackson lived.
Instead she meets black Yoda and is forced to play a round of Lets Make a Deal. She tries to trade her coin for admittance and gets the boot instead. Then, like every rom-com ever made, spends the night in the rain, brooding to a Dido song and reciting her death list.
I’d love to add one name to that. The guy who does those anti-snoring ads for Zyppah.Com on EW Radio. Seriously, a man cannot listen one more time!!!
BTW, anyone think it a little racist the black guy came out of the black door? Who knew Braavos still had segregation?
Later, Arya falls back into old habits, killing pigeons and threatening bullies, until, for reasons, the Faceless Man reveals himself and lets her in.
To the Riverlands…
…where Pod & Brienne parked their horse in the crowded lot of a tavern. I thought we’d spend the rest of the episode with them, waiting to eat Chinese food but then leaving right before they get called, only to discover they can’t remember where they par– and yep, I’ve been watching too much TBS recently.
Anyway… Littlefinger, Sansa, awkward dinner, horse chase, Pod falls, gruesome stabby death and yada yada yada, they’re right back where they started, still looking for Sansa. Hey, maybe that was a Seinfeld episode after all.
King’s Knot’s Landing–
Dorne sends Cersei Lannister an Amazon ‘frustration free package’, which true to its claim, can be opened by someone with just one hand.
Then Cersei gets all loud and in Jaime’s grill. And he’s like, ‘get off my back man’ and she goes ‘that whore’ and he’s all ‘fine, I’ll go to Dorne, get our secret incest daughter back, will that make you happy?’ But I’m guessing by her judgey-face, it won’t.
So Jaime finds the former sellsword Bronn and pulls a Schwarzenegger ‘come with me if you want a much better girl and a much better castle.’ Admittedly, it’s not as catchy, but gets the job done. They’re off to —