AKA, ‘The One with Arya, Finally’
We start in Braavos…
So the big statue that Arya passes under… Do you think the sculptors made him all Ken Doll underneath that skirt, or is he sporting a dangling pair of giant Gold Dragon coins?
Arya is taken on a Starline Tours ride around the city, catching all the attractions — the woman in the hat, the guy handling fish, a drain — finally reaching her destination, the House of Black & White. Which, I was disappointed to learn, is not where Michael Jackson lived.
Instead she meets black Yoda and is forced to play a round of Lets Make a Deal. She tries to trade her coin for admittance and gets the boot instead. Then, like every rom-com ever made, spends the night in the rain, brooding to a Dido song and reciting her death list.
I’d love to add one name to that. The guy who does those anti-snoring ads for Zyppah.Com on EW Radio. Seriously, a man cannot listen one more time!!!
BTW, anyone think it a little racist the black guy came out of the black door? Who knew Braavos still had segregation?
Later, Arya falls back into old habits, killing pigeons and threatening bullies, until, for reasons, the Faceless Man reveals himself and lets her in.
To the Riverlands…
…where Pod & Brienne parked their horse in the crowded lot of a tavern. I thought we’d spend the rest of the episode with them, waiting to eat Chinese food but then leaving right before they get called, only to discover they can’t remember where they par– and yep, I’ve been watching too much TBS recently.
Anyway… Littlefinger, Sansa, awkward dinner, horse chase, Pod falls, gruesome stabby death and yada yada yada, they’re right back where they started, still looking for Sansa. Hey, maybe that was a Seinfeld episode after all.
King’s Knot’s Landing–
Dorne sends Cersei Lannister an Amazon ‘frustration free package’, which true to its claim, can be opened by someone with just one hand.
Then Cersei gets all loud and in Jaime’s grill. And he’s like, ‘get off my back man’ and she goes ‘that whore’ and he’s all ‘fine, I’ll go to Dorne, get our secret incest daughter back, will that make you happy?’ But I’m guessing by her judgey-face, it won’t.
So Jaime finds the former sellsword Bronn and pulls a Schwarzenegger ‘come with me if you want a much better girl and a much better castle.’ Admittedly, it’s not as catchy, but gets the job done. They’re off to —
Where, apparently, EVERYONE broods and scowls. Like — women who’ve watched lovers get their skulls caved in, or wheelchair bound Princes constantly nagged about starting a revenge war and a guard who looks like the dude from Stargate SG1.
Come to think of it, those are pretty good reasons.
Oops. Accidentally switched over to Fox and caught a few minutes of COPS: Mereen…
Bad Boys Daario and Grey Worm take down a door and a perp. I expected him to be drunk and shirtless.
Back to HBO and the Road to Volantis…
With Tyrion and Varys shipping themselves via Westeros Expressos. When you absolutely, positively have to be there by episode three.
And we’re treated to a heaping dose of one-liners:
‘There’s a bug in my cup… yes, be careful, you might mistakenly consume some solid food’ SITCOM ZING!
‘She should have offered her cunt for my head… the best part of her for the best part of me’ CABLE LANGUAGE ZING!!
‘Are we going to spend the entire road talking about the futility of everything… You’re right, no point.’ DOWNTON ABBEY ZING!
Back to King’s Landing…
Where a notice is posted — The Wizard of Oz Musical Tour has been indefinitely cancelled, due to poor pre-sales and oh yeah, freakin’ dwarf beheadings…
At the Small Council, a bunch of old white men try to tell a woman what she can’t do. Also known as a Republican debate. ELECTION ZING!
Castle Black meanwhile is voting…
For a new Lord Commander.
Elections there are a bit different. First, your proxies engage in a Yo Momma battle. Sam’s got his ‘Nobody Snows Winter Like A Man Named Snow’ campaign button on, and proceeds to put the smack-down on the coward Janos Slynt.
Then everyone antes up some kind of poker chip as their actual vote. Which makes polling there very easy. ‘How are you voting? Triangle, Square or Circle?’ ‘You know, Triangle really gets me.’
Jon Snow wins by just one vote when Maestor Aemon casts his tile, though I’m not sure the blind man was sure what he was doing, because he yelled MAHJONG right after.
And that’s it folks. Yes, other stuff happened but this has already gone on too long.
One final thought however:
Is it just me, or did GRRM really give up on naming his characters?
There’s Prince Doran from Dorne. Drogon the dragon. And Kevin Lannister — Kevin.
We’ll know for sure if Tosh 2.0 shows up in his next book.
Until next week…
We kick off Season 5 with a flashback!! Running through the Into the Woods set is Regina George — oh, I Mean a young Girl we come to learn is Cercei — who visits one of the Witches of East Watch. And she hears the awful truth… in Hollywood, there ‘comes another, younger, more beautiful to cast you down.’ Plus, she and a future hubby will have 20 children, but only 3 will be hers. Which means she’ll marry Antonio Cromartie.
King’s Landing: Lord Tywin is laid out for viewing in his best Elton John cape and those googly-eyed rocks on his face, making him look like a surprised cartoon character. I bet the actor Charles Dance had flashbacks to his role in Last Action Hero.
Meanwhile, Tyrion has checked into Pentos and updated his Facebook status to bearded and shit-faced. Speaking of which, he over-shares the personal deets of his trip across The Narrow Sea. Let me describe it to the tune of ‘Dick in a Box’.
One, cut some holes in a box.
Two, put The Imp in the box.
Three, he shoves his shit out the box.
And that’s the way you do it…
When you ship in a box!
Later, Varys discusses his new mission. Finding a ‘monarch who could intimidate the high lords and inspire the people. A ruler loved by millions with…the right family name.’ I think we all know who he’s talking about… Beyoncé.
Mereen. 5 stars on Trip Advisor for its Alley of Teats. -10 stars for the masked murdering reject from The Strangers.
In that combat training scene at The Wall, Jon Snow yelled ‘shield up’ so many times I thought we were on the deck of the Enterprise.
Admit it, when Melisandre and Jon Snow rode in the The Wall’s Lift, you heard Love In An Elevator, am I right?
In The Vale, the schemer Littlefinger was all schemey and stuff reading notes passed to him in while in Robin Arryn’s sword fighting class. The note: Do you like Sansa? Yes? or Extra Creepy Yes?
BTW, watching breastfeeder Robin fail at sword play proves all his mom’s Got Milk ads completely wrong.
Oh, hello Brienne and Pod. Wave to Sansa Sta–
Back to King’s Landing…. Holy Haircut Lancel Lannister!
Meanwhile, Daario uses his post-boning-cuddle time to speak hard truth to Daenerys. Quoting the great sage Rupaul ‘A dragon queen with no dragons, is no queen.’ We’re spared his advice on ‘tucking’.
And finally, phew, we catch up with Mance Rayder, who is offered Cake or Death and chooses Death. The humorless Stannis doesn’t get Eddie Izzard, so he goes full Beavis on him. Fire! Fire! Fire!
It’s just not Game of Thrones without a horrible, horrible death of a favorite character.
Until next week…
Some of my best tweets from @Midnight’s daily Hashtag War games.
Mississippi: there is no “I” in team, but there are three in our name. Also, we can’t add.
Missouri: less a show me state and more of a ‘grower’
New Jersey: where informants and trump casinos go under
I start making the list of excuses for not visiting my folks on thanksgiving
Leaf piles are not just what I call my dumps after eating leaves
Santa begins eating the slow elves to fatten up by Christmas and to send a message
I get to post photos of my giant-headed nephew and a pumpkin and say ‘twinsies!’
That’s No Maroon 5, That’s a Space Station
KC and the Cantina Band
Jar Jar Blinks 182
One Small Steppenwolf for Man, One They Might be Giants for Mankind
Miley Cyrus to duet with Madonna on MTV Unplugged. Instead of a wrecking ball, though, Miley will swing from Madonna’s boobs.
As a citizen, not pleased with the government’s spying programs. But as a writer, I’m just glad someone is reading my work.
The cost of being a rabid Apple fan can really add up, reported a tech journal. Not because of the expensive products, but from constantly being punched in the face.
A survey found that half of men like shopping, have cried in the last month and hate strip clubs… and I learned you shouldn’t poll husbands in front of their wives.
A research paper said MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” had prevented thousands of teen pregnancies. You know what else did? My low sperm count.
Mike Huckabee defended his position on ‘women not being able to control their libido’ by saying he’s seen all six seasons of Sex and the City.