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Only good at three things. Writing. Math. And I'm all out of math.

2014 Wrap Up – Hashtag Wars

Some of my best tweets from @Midnight’s daily Hashtag War games.

@midnight

#NewStateMottos
Mississippi: there is no “I” in team, but there are three in our name. Also, we can’t add.
Missouri: less a show me state and more of a ‘grower’
New Jersey: where informants and trump casinos go under

#ItsFallBecause
I start making the list of excuses for not visiting my folks on thanksgiving
Leaf piles are not just what I call my dumps after eating leaves
Santa begins eating the slow elves to fatten up by Christmas and to send a message
I get to post photos of my giant-headed nephew and a pumpkin and say ‘twinsies!’

#SciFiBands
That’s No Maroon 5, That’s a Space Station
KC and the Cantina Band
Jar Jar Blinks 182
One Small Steppenwolf for Man, One They Might be Giants for Mankind

#BadThemeParks
Brony Island
Santa’s Twerkshop

Read more…

Tweets and Jokes from 2014 – part 2

miley_cyrus_wrecking_ball

Miley Cyrus to duet with Madonna on MTV Unplugged. Instead of a wrecking ball, though, Miley will swing from Madonna’s boobs.

As a citizen, not pleased with the government’s spying programs. But as a writer, I’m just glad someone is reading my work.

The cost of being a rabid Apple fan can really add up, reported a tech journal. Not because of the expensive products, but from constantly being punched in the face.

A survey found that half of men like shopping, have cried in the last month and hate strip clubs… and I learned you shouldn’t poll husbands in front of their wives.

A research paper said MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” had prevented thousands of teen pregnancies. You know what else did? My low sperm count.

Mike Huckabee defended his position on ‘women not being able to control their libido’ by saying he’s seen all six seasons of Sex and the City.

Read more…

Tweets and Jokes from 2014 – part 1

bieber-pope

The new Pope said it’s okay to breast feed at the Vatican. What’s still not allowed? Men dressed as giant babies.

Justin Bieber’s home was raided after a neighbor accused him of egging. Police found no evidence, just the Biebs eating a breakfast of toast, bacon & ten pound omelet.

A new iPhone case uses heat vision to see images, even through clothes. So much for hiding confession boners, said my priest.

Can’t help but think Gravity would have been a completely different film if it had been set in a bouncy castle.

A woman went to the ER for having a three hour orgasm. Her husband was later sent to the same ER with a shoulder injury from all the high-fives.

Mitt Romney attended the premiere of bio doc MITT. Moved, he was seen shedding lubricant from his optical socket, then powered down for the night.

The NSA was caught having implanted software on 100,000 computers. Not to worry, they said, it was just for extra Candy Crush lives for Joe Biden.

trace adkins brawl tmz

Trace Adkins involved in Cruise ship brawl with an impersonator. Worse, TMZ uses arrow to point out the real Trace Adkins.

2015 Predictions

2015_2

My predictions for your 2015…





















Day 1: I am making all the changes
Day 2: Back to work… you know, this place isn’t so bad
Day 5: Ugh. Boss still sucks. Clearly, she is not aware of the profound life changes I’m mak— are those cupcakes for us? I’ll just have half of one…
Day 9: My cube is surrounded by soul-sucking motherfuckers. I know I said I’d stop cursing, but dammit, if it’s possible, they are even WORSE than this time last year. But I… I am still on the path… all the changes… most of the changes… I’ve put three pounds back on
Day 21: I give zero fucks. None. This place and everyone in it can burn to the ground… ooh, cupcakes
Day 22: I have eaten all the cupcakes. Literally. Also, we as a society place too much emphasis on looks. New goal: being all about that bass.
Day 31: Goals are stupid. When does Walking Dead come back on?
Day 45: Hey, did you see the show last night? Spoiler alert, it was amazeballs… like these cupcakes I made…
Day 365: I need to watch less television, cut down on sweets, be more accepting of others… let me write this shit down (last curse word, pinky swear) in my Task app I purchased last year and will totally use every day from now on…

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